Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Roller-coaster
I'm starting to experience some strange things, emotionally and physically, that I remember experiencing just before giving birth the two previous times.
[And I had a very vivid dream of hanging on for dear life to the rubber siding of a roller-coaster car as it zoomed up and down and around the tracks at breakneck speed. Hmmm...I wonder what that could mean?]
One of the emotional experiences I've had is an overwhelming sadness and sense of loss for the way things are right now. When I was pregnant with no. 1 I had a serious late-night cry over the loss of D's and my life as a couple, the wonderful romantic time of life that I thought was coming to an end (it wasn't entirely, but it did change, of course).
When I was pregnant with no. 2, I had a late-night weep over the loss of the one-on-one relationship with my first baby, the special bond that we shared (which never really disappeared, but did change).
This past weekend I was suddenly and completely overwhelmed with sadness for my second, who will no longer be my baby after almost 5 years. This was compounded by guilt, because I have had to work (albeit part-time) since he was one, but his dad has been at home with him, and he's a very happy boy. I still feel guilty and sad, because I know that no matter how much I do give him, I could give him more. And now he'll be the "middle child" and he starts kindergarten in the fall. It just all seems like a loss and a diminishment. But he is gaining another sibling, and as I said to D., when we're gone, they will always have each other.
Anyway, so you can see the kinds of thoughts I've been having. It's a complicated time of happiness and anticipation and sadness and trepidation. All soon to be replaced with exhaustion and "What was I thinking?!" moments.
And great joy, of course.
I'm starting to experience some strange things, emotionally and physically, that I remember experiencing just before giving birth the two previous times.
[And I had a very vivid dream of hanging on for dear life to the rubber siding of a roller-coaster car as it zoomed up and down and around the tracks at breakneck speed. Hmmm...I wonder what that could mean?]
One of the emotional experiences I've had is an overwhelming sadness and sense of loss for the way things are right now. When I was pregnant with no. 1 I had a serious late-night cry over the loss of D's and my life as a couple, the wonderful romantic time of life that I thought was coming to an end (it wasn't entirely, but it did change, of course).
When I was pregnant with no. 2, I had a late-night weep over the loss of the one-on-one relationship with my first baby, the special bond that we shared (which never really disappeared, but did change).
This past weekend I was suddenly and completely overwhelmed with sadness for my second, who will no longer be my baby after almost 5 years. This was compounded by guilt, because I have had to work (albeit part-time) since he was one, but his dad has been at home with him, and he's a very happy boy. I still feel guilty and sad, because I know that no matter how much I do give him, I could give him more. And now he'll be the "middle child" and he starts kindergarten in the fall. It just all seems like a loss and a diminishment. But he is gaining another sibling, and as I said to D., when we're gone, they will always have each other.
Anyway, so you can see the kinds of thoughts I've been having. It's a complicated time of happiness and anticipation and sadness and trepidation. All soon to be replaced with exhaustion and "What was I thinking?!" moments.
And great joy, of course.
# posted by becca : 7:50 AM
