Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Time for flowers
Feeling good today; a headache that plagued me for the last 3 days has finally lifted and I'm feeling strong.
D. brought me flowers home yesterday, a beautiful surprise that makes me smile everytime I look over at them. I'm very lucky. My kids are always picking flowers for me, most of the time out of our own garden, and I must admit I'm a little bit negligent about them. I'll stick them on top of the stroller if we're out walking, and then forget to bring them in to put them in water. Then the giver will spot them lying shrivelled on the front walk and point out my neglect in a hurt voice. I feel a twinge of guilt, then I move on to doing something else. I guess that's the definition of spoiled: I get so many gifts of flowers I don't care about them so much anymore. This is a part of my motherhood that frustrates me. I can't appreciate all the sweetness and beauty of it. Why? It's hard to say...I'm so busy, there's so much to yell and nag about, I'm a big jerk and a control freak. I don't know why, really. I wish that I were able to slow down and just be grateful and kind, but so far I haven't managed to do that. In fact, things seem to be speeding up as the kids get older. That's why I'm happy to have my days alone with the baby. It feels like a reprieve. I really missed "being on baby time", where it might take you two hours to get from saying "let's go for a walk" to actually getting out the door, because you stop to look at the ceiling fan, you sing a song of sixpence, you spend ten minutes kissing cream-bun cheeks, etc. In short, you live a little of the polymorphous sensual experience of a baby. I had really missed that, as I said, and I'm glad to live it again, if only for five hours a day.
Feeling good today; a headache that plagued me for the last 3 days has finally lifted and I'm feeling strong.
D. brought me flowers home yesterday, a beautiful surprise that makes me smile everytime I look over at them. I'm very lucky. My kids are always picking flowers for me, most of the time out of our own garden, and I must admit I'm a little bit negligent about them. I'll stick them on top of the stroller if we're out walking, and then forget to bring them in to put them in water. Then the giver will spot them lying shrivelled on the front walk and point out my neglect in a hurt voice. I feel a twinge of guilt, then I move on to doing something else. I guess that's the definition of spoiled: I get so many gifts of flowers I don't care about them so much anymore. This is a part of my motherhood that frustrates me. I can't appreciate all the sweetness and beauty of it. Why? It's hard to say...I'm so busy, there's so much to yell and nag about, I'm a big jerk and a control freak. I don't know why, really. I wish that I were able to slow down and just be grateful and kind, but so far I haven't managed to do that. In fact, things seem to be speeding up as the kids get older. That's why I'm happy to have my days alone with the baby. It feels like a reprieve. I really missed "being on baby time", where it might take you two hours to get from saying "let's go for a walk" to actually getting out the door, because you stop to look at the ceiling fan, you sing a song of sixpence, you spend ten minutes kissing cream-bun cheeks, etc. In short, you live a little of the polymorphous sensual experience of a baby. I had really missed that, as I said, and I'm glad to live it again, if only for five hours a day.
# posted by becca : 6:32 AM
