Thursday, October 14, 2004
Sticking with it
A new friend asked me yesterday about my parents. My parents are divorced; they separated when I was sixteen. She told me that her parents divorced when she was six, and we talked about this for a while. She said to me, "We're lucky -- eh? -- to have good strong relationships." And I said yes. I know that I am lucky, but it got me thinking: I never really think that way, that my marriage will last where my parents' failed. I have never really allowed myself to believe that it will last, even though that is my wish and -- now that we have children -- my intention.
My parents' marriage was awful; violent, cruel, nasty way too much of the time. There were good times, of course, but mostly it seems to have been a mistake, made by two people who didn't esteem and like each other the way you need to if you're going to be married. I knew this when they split up, and was glad it was over. But the split was still a shattering blow to my teenage psyche. Partly because they did a lot of things wrong during the break-up, but also because my parents' marriage and our family, screwed up as they were, were my paradigm, my frame of reference for my own identity. And I think that is still true, only now the break-up is part of my identity and I find it hard to truly believe in my heart that I won't end up the same way. D's parents had a very happy marriage up until his Dad died 6 years ago. For him our marriage everlasting is an article of faith, and he is teaching me over time that it is possible to grow old together, not in separate homes and meeting only at family gatherings.
In 2005 we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. A few weeks ago I mentioned this to my mom and she said "That's wonderful! By ten years I already wanted out of my marriage" (It lasted 25 years). I looked over at Dave and thought, no, I've never even had anything even remotely resembling the desire to get out of this.
A new friend asked me yesterday about my parents. My parents are divorced; they separated when I was sixteen. She told me that her parents divorced when she was six, and we talked about this for a while. She said to me, "We're lucky -- eh? -- to have good strong relationships." And I said yes. I know that I am lucky, but it got me thinking: I never really think that way, that my marriage will last where my parents' failed. I have never really allowed myself to believe that it will last, even though that is my wish and -- now that we have children -- my intention.
My parents' marriage was awful; violent, cruel, nasty way too much of the time. There were good times, of course, but mostly it seems to have been a mistake, made by two people who didn't esteem and like each other the way you need to if you're going to be married. I knew this when they split up, and was glad it was over. But the split was still a shattering blow to my teenage psyche. Partly because they did a lot of things wrong during the break-up, but also because my parents' marriage and our family, screwed up as they were, were my paradigm, my frame of reference for my own identity. And I think that is still true, only now the break-up is part of my identity and I find it hard to truly believe in my heart that I won't end up the same way. D's parents had a very happy marriage up until his Dad died 6 years ago. For him our marriage everlasting is an article of faith, and he is teaching me over time that it is possible to grow old together, not in separate homes and meeting only at family gatherings.
In 2005 we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. A few weeks ago I mentioned this to my mom and she said "That's wonderful! By ten years I already wanted out of my marriage" (It lasted 25 years). I looked over at Dave and thought, no, I've never even had anything even remotely resembling the desire to get out of this.
# posted by becca : 9:17 AM
